Thought for the Day – 29th September #strongmind
Boundaries, knowing when they are needed and setting them up
This summer I had to acknowledge a big pain in my life, 53 and I had to face a reality in my life around the fact I had not enjoyed an interaction and time with a person. I loved that person, but they were not right for me.
It was a journey, you may have gone through something similar, or deep down, know that you too have to do it. It was not easy. I needed help, and I needed a level of courage that was a type I had never drawn on.
I want to share two things that helped me and acknowledge two people that gave me the wisdom and the understanding that sometimes you have to protect yourself, it is not wrong to do it.
So my Thought for Today is about setting boundaries, and also understanding anger. The reason this has come up in my mind this morning was due to a meeting yesterday, where I stood my ground and remained strong in my belief. Learning the skills in your personal life, impacts your business life, we are one person. I thank the personal pain that I went through to give me these skills in business. I write this with strength, not weakness, a smile, not a frown. I am free. If this gives anyone else that opportunity then I am thrilled to pass it on.
The two lessons start with a lady called Ruth Paris. 3 years ago, we sat on her sofa and agreed to swap skills. My skill in community building and personal profiles, hers in emotional awareness and coaching.
I told my story of my life to her, the ups and downs, the betrayals, disappointments and challenges. After I finished she said to me ‘throughout all of your talking of the way some people have treated you, you have never sounded angry”. I proudly smiled and said, in all honesty ‘that is not an emotion I have carry, I don’t know that feeling”. She then advised me that my route of repeating issues was due to my lack of anger, I didn’t know when someone was in the wrong and I was not protecting myself. She explained the limbic system, involved in motivation, emotion, learning, and memory. She advised me that anger is to about being cross and aggressive, it is an internal emotion that we must access. I left, really intrigued and wanted to find those moments and find my anger emotion.
Now forward 3 years to this summer. Someone deeply let me down in their communication and handling of a very painful need that I had. Anger was my predominant emotion. I could not believe it. The sense of betrayal of my needs. It was such an overwhelming feeling that I know would be life changing in my relationship with that person. I had no idea what to do with the person I had discovered inside me and guilt, fear and tears were in abundance, but the really BIG emotion was ANGER. Not shouty, aggressive, calm anger that I cold feel was protecting me. I still didn’t fully get it.
On a walk with Lis Cashin she taught me about Boundaries, and when you Google boundaries and select images, it is clear that this is a ‘thing’ that the whole world knew about, but not me. My desire was always to adapt to make the other person comfortable, find harmony. I didn’t have any boundaries.
I am not a trained coach, therapist or student of this subject, I cannot share more than this for fear of the teaching I could give. However, if you have ever felt these emotions and this resonates with you, reach out and get help, it is truly life changing.
So thank you Ruth, thank Lis, you have taught me things I wish my parents had. Life would have been very different. At 53, I still have time.